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It's been so long since my last Livejournal entry that there's been an actual war since then. Not a proper one, mind you, just something to keep the Russians match-fit. Also since my last Livejournal entry I've been charged by the police with four separate offences after Oscar decided to chase after some deer in Richmond Park. It wasn't my fault, but apparently that cuts no ice with the rozzers these days. You try explaining that you never even saw them until it was too late - expecting Dibble to take the broad, tolerant view, nodding sympathetically and adding the occasional "I quite understand, sir", and "not your fault at all, sir", before waving you on your way. But no, instead you're subjected to a lengthy harangue replete with vivid details of screeching brakes and swerving cars trying to avoid the herd of Cervus elaphus leaping over their bonnets hotly pursued by a whippet. Apparently they might decide it's not in the public interest to prosecute me bearing in mind that, as far as they know, I am of Sound Character – there's probably an address you can write to if you want to dispute this, but don't expect me to help you find it. Either way I'll be sure to let you know if any further hilarious scrapes result, like a prison sentence or something.

I was given the formal police caution, which was quite exciting as I'd only previously ever heard it on The Bill. "You do not have to say anything", the officer began, then continued, "but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court". "Anything you do say", he added, "may be given in evidence. Do you understand?" Well as you know we Wards are quick-thinking types, always ready with the appropriate bon mot for the occasion, and quick as a flash I shot back, "Yes".

Well anyway the Curtis Stigers gig I mentioned in my last entry is this weekend, so I thought it might be a good idea to celebrate with another episode of Curtis's Tigers. Then I realised it probably wouldn't be a good idea to celebrate with another episode of Curtis's Tigers, so I decided not to. It's funny, isn't it, how a brush with the law can turn you into a more mature and sensible character. So instead, inspired by watching Goldie on BBC2's "Maestro", I've come up with some more Negative Lookey-Likies. I've put them behind a cut so that you're able to pretend they don't exist:

Goldie, and irksomely ubiquitous, unamusing untalented gurning dwarf Dominic Littlewood, as seen on TV's Faking It, Wrong Car Right Car, To Buy or Not to Buy, How I Made My Property Fortune, Beat the Burglar, Holiday, The One Show, Don't Get Done, Get Dom and Strictly Come Dancing.

Newsround presenter John Craven and former Pakistani cricket captain Imran Khan. Imran Khan is married to David Bowie, while John Craven was the subject of kd lang's 1993 hit "Constant Craven".

A young Louis Armstrong and TV's Little Britain's Matt Lucas. "I'm a lady!", that's what he says, isn't it. Louis Armstrong, I mean.

The Chinese Olympic women's football team and the Argentinian Olympic women's football team, but don't ask me which is which, they look so alike I couldn't possibly tell.

In other Olympic news, imagine my horror last week when I saw the following billboard outside my local newsagents:

I mean, the thing is, not only am I a sufferer from Dyslexia, I'm also a fanatical devotee of the Wizard of Oz. All I could think was "are the scarecrow and the lion ok?" Fortunately it turned out to be just some television journalist or other being arrested in yet more evidence of human rights abuses in China. Phew!


( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 21st, 2008 11:41 am (UTC)
this entry was worth the wait ;) x
Aug. 21st, 2008 11:45 am (UTC)
So I can get away with not bothering to write anything for a month at a time so long I maintain this - for want of a better word - "standard". It's a deal.
Aug. 21st, 2008 11:51 am (UTC)
Man, I love you. And I'm allowed to say that, being your wife and everything.
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:01 pm (UTC)
Hoorah, that's handy - imagine if whenever I wandered into the room you vomited in horror and disgust. Although on the other hand it would be good for keeping in trim, all that vomiting in horror and disgust, so it's swings and roundabouts, or something.
(no subject) - mattydesade - Aug. 21st, 2008 12:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 21st, 2008 11:54 am (UTC)
Don't forget my suggestions!

Rick James and Tim Curry

Good to have you back, sir!

(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:04 pm (UTC)
They're foreign, that's all the excuse we needed in the old days. Anyway, I am enjoying the Olympics, except for the screechy Chinese jingle the BBC are using, the use of the word "medal" as a verb, as in "what's it like to medal in a major championship for the first time", and the phrase "Team GB". Having the sound down seems to be the best option.
(no subject) - sushidog - Aug. 21st, 2008 12:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wardytron - Aug. 21st, 2008 12:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - steer - Aug. 21st, 2008 12:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - wardytron - Aug. 21st, 2008 12:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - steer - Aug. 21st, 2008 03:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - wardytron - Aug. 21st, 2008 12:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - wardytron - Aug. 21st, 2008 01:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - whizzerandchips - Aug. 21st, 2008 12:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - geekboy_uk - Aug. 21st, 2008 02:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:07 pm (UTC)
The Chinese footy team is an excellent entry for 'Up The Arse Corner'.

In hindsight, you could have used the excuse that Oscar thought the deer were terrorists, and was aiming to bring them down in the name of National Security, and that rather than criticise you, the Greater Metropolital Police Force may want to consider putting you forward for some sort of award. I'm sure they'd have been most accomodating.
Aug. 21st, 2008 12:23 pm (UTC)
So you think the Chinese team's the one at the top? How can you tell?
(no subject) - whizzerandchips - Aug. 21st, 2008 12:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:22 pm (UTC)
Oh, fuck off.
Aug. 21st, 2008 01:46 pm (UTC)
Hi Ed, looking forward to seeing you on Monday, assuming we bother going. Really can't wait, really looking forward to it, assuming we bother going. Anyway, however unlikely it is that I see you on Monday, it's still technically not impossible, is what I'm saying.
(no subject) - moleintheground - Aug. 21st, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 21st, 2008 02:32 pm (UTC)
Hello wardytron. This isn't exactly a Negative Lookey-Likie, but you just reminded me of the fact that, when Dexy's played "Jackie Wilson Said" on Top Of The Pops, in 1982, some absolute moron or total comic genius projected a picture of Jocky Wilson (the fairly famous 80's Darts player) onto the backdrop. Good work there, BBC minion!


Aug. 21st, 2008 02:48 pm (UTC)
There's such a fine line between stupid and clever.
Aug. 21st, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
Once again *applause*
Aug. 21st, 2008 05:00 pm (UTC)
I think you might enjoy http://totallylookslike.com/
Aug. 21st, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
I was wondering about your total silence re: Argentine shenanigans...
Aug. 21st, 2008 05:55 pm (UTC)
You mean my strangely uncharacteristic refusal to condemn, or applaud - I forget which - their, as you say, shenanigans? I liked the Guardian article with the guy trying to work out whether the Spanish basketball team were being racist, or whether it was racist to call them racist because lots of people in the Far East are racist and should we really be imposing our cultural values on them by expecting them to be offended by racism, if racism is what it was, he wasn't sure. Anyway I think his essential question was is it racist not to be a racist? You don't get that sort of hard-hitting analysis anywhere else, do you.
Aug. 21st, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
There's a whole raft of Bollywood stars who resemble members of the cast of SCTV:

Aamir Khan & Joe Flaherty

Emran Hashmi & Rick Moranis

Urmila Matondkar & Andrea Martin
Aug. 21st, 2008 11:31 pm (UTC)
court". "Anything


The rest of the entry warrants* a B+ though.

* warrants - see what I did there?
Aug. 22nd, 2008 08:06 am (UTC)
You're not the boss of me, dawnage. Or are you? I can't remember who's the boss of me. Oh christ, it isn't me, is it? That would explain a lot.
( 34 comments — Leave a comment )

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