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wardytron's Journal

"A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius."

No running
No pushing
No shouting
No ducking
No bombing
No petting

Tall and thin and pale and pasty, the boy from Ipanema goes walking, and when he passes each one he passes says "oh look, it's that c#nt wardytron." This Livejournal is now only very sporadically updated and you've missed when it was any good, but it was "runaway winner" in the Funniest LJ category on jozafeen's end of year poll for 2004 (there wasn't one in 2005, in case you were wondering - or 2006, as far as I know, or 2007, or 2008, but I was the runaway winner in 2004). Well anyway, wardytron is mostly friends-only for tedious reasons with which I will not take up your valuable time. But if you add me to your friendslist I will add you back immediately, or as soon as I notice. You may then, having read Britain's Leading Blog, decide that you don't want to read it any more - do not worry; THIS IS NORMAL. In this event you need simply to delete me from your friendslist and I will not trouble you again.

Some reviews of Britain's Leading Sporadically Updated Livejournal, from when it was funny:

"I absolutely can't bear how funny wardytron is. It hurts my tummy" - angelv

"Who is this accursed wardytron of which you speak? He's never made ME laugh" - rhodri

"The funniness of wardytron was discussed by myself and my friend jasmine while getting drunk in sweden...he's turning into a legend" - catchytunes

"I don't think I will read anything funnier than this entry all day" - medusa

"I laughed till tears of snot came out of my nose" - london_imp

"plz stop being so funny. i'm worried you'll end up like my dad's friend Christian, who was hysterically funny...he was absurdly hilarious - until it all became too much for him, he couldn't take the demands of being funny anymore, and he ended up an obese, anxiety-ridden alcoholic who never leaves the house" - catchytunes again.

"For god's sake write something funny, wardytron, you tedious little man" - rhodri again.

"I actually cried with laughter at that. I have no idea why" - scarletdemon

"Congratulations, I deemed this post funny enough to show my sister" - kiss_me_quick

"Another genius entry from wardytron! You can use that on your user info page if you like" - medusa again

"Your journal is a lot better than mine at the moment" - publicansdecoy

"I am sure you are FAR more fragrant than Des Lynam. You can put that on your user info as well if you want" - more medusa

"Who needs George Bernard Shaw when one's got wardytron?" - pastrysharp

"I just drank two cups of coffee in a row and then laughed for about a minute" - miss_newham

"I laughed like a drain. You're an idiot" - scarletdemon again

"wardytron is simply the funniest person in the world" - saraviolet

"I've just been asked by a co-worker why I'm crying, and I couldn't answer because of laughter paralysis" - katstevens

"I think you'll find that you are Britain's Leading Ar$ehole On The Internet" - jamesward

"The more I read you, the more I detest you" - besskeloid, before crying

"wardytron is the only LJ'er who's made me lose my job due to laughing overly loudly" - 666inmyheart

"I want to be on your userinfo page as well, you c*nt" - puzzled_anwen

"That's the funniest entry I've read on LJ this week. I laughed so loud that I scared my pet rats!" - scarletdemon yet again

"I was so engrossed in this entry, that I was sweating cobs towards the end" - liquid_city

"I absolutely adore reading your posts" - tiarafetish

"You've just made me laugh to the point of tears there with that anecdote. Congratulations" - 666inmyheart again

"One of the funniest men I've ever been blessed to read" - 666inmyheart clearly has a bit of a thing for me, I can tell.

"You've just made me laugh until I cried. In public. People must think I am some sort of crying freak or something, and it's all your fault, wardytron" - catchytunes

"Really, really not worth reading" - jamesward

"Quite interesting for a change" - mattydesade

"The best British Blogger of 'em all" - kubryk

"Could you please delete me from your friends list? We don't seem to have that much in common" - rachel_bartlett

"Oh wardytron when will my laughter at your posts cease? Oh, just now" - london_imp

"I'll happily concede that wardytron is the funniest man alive - I was looking through old photo albums the other week, and just knowing that he was going to be on the next page made me want to start laughing. I can't read his journal without wanting to a) write a letter of congratulations b) never bother to try and be funny ever again" - moleintheground going slightly over the top in my view

"wardytron, aside from my own, your livejournal entries are the only ones that cause me to laugh out loud consistently" - sambodiplanco

"Substantially more amusing than this afternoon's Northern Ireland Grand Committee" - strictlytrue

"Sometimes when you're going about your everyday life - or even better, reading livejournal - you encounter people who make you stop and think, "wow, that wardytron is really funny" - sambodiplanco going over the top a bit as well

"Another fine entry from Brighton's finest young debauched deity" - bennybunny

"In The Independent today there's a transcript of the meeting between Ricky Gervais and Larry David, who are described as "The World's Funniest Men", which is a bit of a f#cking cheek if you ask me" - a swearing rhodri's crush on wardytron deepens alarmingly

"You're on fire at the moment. In as possible as it is to get clammy in inopportune social engagements about citing one's friend's page as a source of witticism through a series of obtrusive snorting noises, I have done so" - I'm not really sure what bennybunny is going on about

"Cor, this is your best journal entry in AGES, for which I'm grateful, but I can't help but feel sad, because I know the next one will only be another bitter, crushing disappointment" - publicansdecoy turns harsh but fair

"His journal entries, quite frankly, put the rest of us to shame, and I would imagine that most people reading this have already got him on their friendslist. If you haven't, add him right this instant. You won't regret it" - publicansdecoy again. Maybe he thinks he owes me a favour or something

"We can't all be wardytron, can we? We can't all be effortlessly funny and informative all of the time, like the lovechild of some kind of hideous tryst between Stephen Fry and Oscar Wilde" - fugitivemotel's at it as well, look

"wardytron's gone downhill" - that's more like it, kiss_me_quick

"I was feeling ill till I read this entry, it's true when they say laughter is the best medicine. Thank you Dr Ward" - parabola_jd

"You crack me up. You need your own TV show" - freddster

"I haven't said this before and it barely needs saying, but your use of the word 'oh' borders on the masterful" - mockduck

"I think this is the best thing that I have ever read" - mippy

"I think this is the worst thing that I have ever read" - fugitivemotel

"HAHAHAHA! Again you made me laugh really loudly...You're brilliant" - scarletdemon. I'm in there.

"Mr Wardytron Sir, I salute you!" - pookee

"That, sir, is nothing short of brilliant" - syberghost

"Oh wardytron, thank goodness you exist. And no, you can't put that on your userinfo page" - sorry, miss_newham, I just have done

"The most lamentable internet site it has ever been my abject misfortune to stumble inadvertently upon" - darkmarcpi

"I'd rather gouge out my own eyes with a fork than read any more of your excruciating drivel" - hengist_pod

"I regularly knock one out over wardytron's user pics" - mattydesade

"wardytron shines as a spectacular gibbering tw@t in an online sea of gibbering tw@ts" - icecoldinalex

"One is reminded of Oscar Wilde in his prime ... breadth of knowledge ... depth of insight ... large" - mirrorblue

"You disgust me, but do go on" - freddster

"My dear readers once thought of wardytron as the wittiest person on LJ but he doesn't post much now so they've probably forgotten him" - jozafeen

"When I'm feeling anxious, miserable and stressed, I always make sure I read wardytron in order to fill up the long hours before my inevitable violent death" - rhodri

"I quite like wardytron - ozgirlabroad

"If blogging's a corpse lying undiscovered for weeks in a field, wardytron's the 6-year-old who finds it" - dermfitz

"Hah hah, loved it. No point in clicking on any more internets over lunch, this post wins" - robsoft

"This post is, as ever, a thing of beauty" - offensive_mango

"If you didn't exist, wardytron, it would be necessary to invent you" - oldbloke

"At the risk of sounding horribly fangirly I love your journal, it always make me smile" - lovely ms_siobhan

"I read this aloud to my husband in the car. Normally he doesn't think any of my online friends are funny, but he actually chuckled quite heartily at this. So well done all round." - offensive_mango

"Bless you, wardytron you're an example to us all." - randy_gibbons

LIMITED OFFER: Join wardytron's friendslist now and receive your FREE Fonz Dream Rod (1/25 scale, Fonz figure included).

Or why not visit HAYWARDS HEATH?

And now those user interests in full, updated to include "cheese" and "Louis Moreau Gottschalk".
apathy, arses, auf wiedersehen pet, being fellated, being wardytron, bertram wilberforce wooster, billie piper, billy liar, bob dylan, boozing, boris johnson, bosoms, bottoms, brian eno, brighton, bruce springsteen, buffoonery, bumptious woosterish charm, burt bacharach, cabernet sauvignon, caitlin moran, camembert with calvados, cheese, cote bistro, count basie, crisps, curb your enthusiasm, david devant, diamonds are forever, dogs, doo-wop, duke ellington, easy listening, egotism, electric light orchestra, ella fitzgerald, elvis presley, ennio morricone, father ted, fats waller, flaming lips, flashman, frank sinatra, gay paree, george gershwin, george macdonald fraser, glen campbell, guinness, hammond solos, harry hill, harry nilsson, hats, i'm alan partridge, ian dury, impropriety, indolence, insulting the prophet, jackie danicki, james may, jazz, jeeves, jimmy webb, johan norberg, john barry, kingsley amis, kirstie allsop, le grand colbert, lee hazlewood, life is beautiful, light on the surface, liverpool fc, louis armstrong, louis moreau gottschalk, miles davis, mocking the afflicted, morecambe and wise, neil diamond, nelson riddle, nigella lawson, olives, oscar, oscar peterson, paris, penne arrabiata, pg wodehouse, pinot noir, pizza, port, randy newman, red wine, richard hawley, richmond, rimming, risotto, robert conquest, ronni ancona, roxy music, rufus, sabine schmidt, scott walker, seinfeld, self-abuse, self-aggrandisement, sherlock holmes, sherry, shiraz, single malt whisky, slim gaillard, sorrento, spaghetti al vongole, spaghetti westerns, steffi graf, stella artois, stella street, stephane grappelli, sufjan stevens, sunglasses, supertramp, tanktops, tarts, the ark, the beach boys, the beatles, the kinks, the mighty boosh, the simpsons, the sunday times, the two ronnies, thelonious monk, tilda swinton, tindersticks, tits, top gear, van dyke parks, victoria wood, wandrew murphy, wardytron, whizzer and chips, wings